When the Algorithm Becomes Your Son’s Role Model

Your son has started talking about “high-value men”. He wants a sharper jaw, a bigger body and a business before he has finished school. Girls, apparently, all want the same thing. Feelings are weakness. Respect is something you win.

You ask where this came from.

“It’s just stuff online.”

That answer may be more accurate than it sounds.

The Feed Did Not Invent His Questions

Boys have always looked for clues about who they are supposed to become. They watch parents, friends, teachers, coaches, athletes, musicians and whoever appears confident enough to seem certain.

Today, another tutor is in the room: the recommendation feed. It notices the pause on a gym clip, the replay of a dating rant, the joke shared by a friend. Then it offers another. And another.

The feed did not invent your son’s wish to be strong, respected, attractive or included. It is simply very good at turning those ordinary questions into an endless curriculum.

What Boys Are Actually Seeing

In a 2025 Common Sense Media survey of 1,017 American boys aged 11 to 17, 73 per cent regularly encountered masculinity-related content. Common themes included making money, building muscle, fighting, weapons and dating.

Crucially, 68 per cent of boys who had seen this content said it appeared in their feeds without them searching for it.

The survey also found:

• 69 per cent regularly saw at least one measured problematic gender stereotype.

• 91 per cent encountered body or appearance messages.

• 24 per cent said social media made them feel they should change how they looked.

• 46 per cent believed boys must not cry, show sadness or show fear if they wanted to avoid teasing.

• 60 per cent found influencers inspirational.

That last number matters. Influencers are not influential only because boys are gullible. They can be funny, disciplined, entertaining and direct. Some offer practical help. Some make a lonely kid feel recognised.

If we pretend there is nothing attractive in the package, we will never understand why the package sells.

Online Belonging Is Still Belonging

It is tempting to dismiss online friendships as not quite real. The boys in the survey did not experience them that way. More than half said online platforms or games helped them feel that they belonged, that people liked them, or that they could say what they really thought.

Gaming was particularly mixed. Fifty-eight per cent of gamers felt part of a group that liked them, and 54 per cent had stood up for someone receiving mean comments. Yet 70 per cent regularly witnessed bullying or harassment, while many heard racist, homophobic or misogynistic language.

The same room can hold friendship and cruelty. That is why “delete the game” is rarely a complete diagnosis.

What the Research Cannot Tell Us

The Common Sense survey found associations. Boys with heavier exposure were more likely to report loneliness, lower self-esteem, appearance pressure and reluctance to show vulnerability.

It did not prove that the content caused those outcomes. A lonely teenager may seek certainty online. A feed may learn from his attention. Offline experiences may make certain messages feel especially relevant. Often, these forces move together.

Another 2025 study followed loneliness trends among more than 1.26 million adolescents across 38 countries. Loneliness increased, but greater country-level internet use was not linked to greater loneliness. The lesson is not “screens are innocent”. It is that human lives are more complicated than a single culprit.

Look for Change, Not a Forbidden Word

One mention of an influencer is not a diagnosis. Look for patterns:

• He becomes contemptuous of girls, women or boys who do not fit a narrow masculine ideal.

• Ordinary disappointment is reframed as humiliation or proof that the world is rigged.

• His appearance, exercise, supplements or eating become rigid and punishing.

• He stops seeing friends while insisting online followers are the only people who understand him.

• He cannot tolerate disagreement without calling it weakness, censorship or disrespect.

• Sleep, school, sport, relationships or mood noticeably deteriorate.

• He hides distress because asking for help now feels shameful.

The question is not “Has he seen bad content?” Almost certainly, yes. The question is whether his world is becoming narrower.

Six Questions That Work Better Than an Interrogation

1. “What do you like about this person?”

Listen before correcting. Discipline? Humour? Confidence? Financial advice? Naming the appeal makes a real conversation possible.

2. “What do you think he gets right?”

Harmful creators often wrap poor conclusions around a recognisable truth: rejection hurts, boys need purpose, money matters, exercise can build confidence. You can agree with the truth without accepting the whole worldview.

3. “Where does it start to fall apart?”

Invite analysis instead of demanding loyalty. Who gets blamed? What evidence is missing? What is being sold? Would the advice work in a healthy friendship?

4. “What started showing up after you watched it?”

This turns the algorithm into something observable. Compare a fresh account, inspect recommendations together, or notice how a few pauses reshape the feed.

5. “Who else talks about this without treating people like rubbish?”

Do not only subtract. Help him find better coaches, creators, athletes, artists, tradespeople or mentors who offer strength without contempt.

6. “If something felt properly bad, who would you tell?”

The answer does not have to be you. A sibling, coach, uncle, teacher or family friend can be part of the safety net.

What You Can Do Tonight

Ask to see one video—not his entire history.

Watch it as if he recommended a song. Ask what lands for him. Notice the editing, emotion, sales pitch and implied enemy. Offer one observation, not a closing argument.

Try: “I can see why the discipline part appeals to you. I’m less convinced by the bit where every problem becomes women’s fault. What do you reckon?”

Curiosity keeps the door open. Ridicule can slam it shut.

What to Do This Week

Reset the feed together. Use “not interested”, unfollow repetitive accounts, clear selected watch history where appropriate, and deliberately search for varied voices. Platform controls change, so check the current help pages rather than relying on an old menu path.

Add something offline. A feed loses some power when a boy has places to contribute and people who notice him. Sport is one option, not the only one. Music, drama, volunteering, making, coding, work, cultural groups and unstructured time with friends all count.

Name more than one way to be a man. Calm, funny, caring, technically skilled, brave, gentle, ambitious, loyal, creative and willing to apologise can all coexist.

Protect sleep without turning it into a morality play. A phone charging outside the bedroom helps because sleep matters, not because screens are sinful.

Keep another adult close. The research found parents remained boys’ first choice for help, but trusted teachers, coaches and relatives also mattered.

The Australian Picture

eSafety’s work with Australian young men and practitioners found the same tensions: freedom and anxiety, connection and harm, confidence and uncertainty. Harmful communities can succeed because they offer belonging, validation and simple answers to complicated problems.

The response cannot be to speak about boys only as future risks to other people. Boys are also navigating loneliness, body pressure, status anxiety and genuine confusion. They need responsibility and empathy at the same time.

Little Dopes Commentary

The algorithm is not your son’s destiny. It is a persistent stranger with excellent timing and an unlimited marketing budget.

You do not beat it by becoming louder, angrier or more certain. You compete by being more trustworthy.

That means staying interested when the conversation is uncomfortable. It means challenging contempt without mocking the boy repeating it. It means offering better examples, real responsibilities and somewhere to belong.

Your son may roll his eyes. He may give you three words and disappear into the kitchen. Keep going anyway. In the Common Sense survey, parents were still the first choice for help for 79 per cent of boys.

The feed is loud. You are not irrelevant.

References

• Robb, M. B., & Mann, S. (2025). Boys in the Digital Wild: Online Culture, Identity, and Well-Being. Common Sense Media. https://www.commonsensemedia.org/research/boys-in-the-digital-wild-online-culture-identity-and-well-being

• eSafety Commissioner. (2024–2025). Young men online. https://www.esafety.gov.au/research/young-men-online

• eSafety Commissioner. Echo chambers and your feed. https://www.esafety.gov.au/young-people/echo-chambers-and-your-feed

• Freije, S. L., et al. (2025). Adolescent loneliness trends and contextual correlates across 38 countries from 2000 to 2022. Journal of Adolescent Health, 77(4), 643–650. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.jadohealth.2025.06.017

If a young person is distressed, withdrawing from daily life, expressing hopelessness, or talking about self-harm, seek professional support.

• Australia: Kids Helpline 1800 55 1800; Lifeline 13 11 14. If life is in danger, call 000.

• United States: Call or text the 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline on 988. In an immediate emergency, call 911.

• United Kingdom: Childline 0800 1111 (for anyone under 19); Samaritans 116 123. If someone is in immediate danger, call 999 or go to A&E.